ArizonaButterfly

Today would have been my parents 46th wedding anniversary.

I admired my mom more than I can possibly articulate. She was a resplendent woman, full of life and willing to take what were considered unconventional chances in the prime of her life. Sometimes I imagine how it must have been to travel halfway across the country alone to join the services as a woman in the 50’s. She traveled and experienced life with abandonment at a time when it wasn’t necessarily encouraged or approved of for women to do so. While I celebrate her and the integrity she displayed throughout her life, I cannot say I understand why she put up with the things she did after getting married. She used to say that she had made her bed and lie in it, perhaps a sign of the “way things were back then.” Family was important to my mom and she worked hard to hold us all together. I have a feeling she would be saddened by the fractures running throughout at this time.

I’m sure he isn’t remembering today because of the choices he’s made since her death. While I certainly have not right to pass judgement I am disappointed in the way my older brother has been treated since my mom passed away, and I’m sure she would be as well. Today, on their anniversary, he told me he was in essence making a decision based not on what he thinks is best, but based on the pressure he’s receiving. Not only is it infuriating, it’s yet another reminder of how much she’s missed.

Today is also the anniversary of one of my friend’s son’s death. Her grief is tangible and I ache for her. I cringed when someone told her she should be “over it” by now. Ignorance must be bliss and obviously the speaker has not lost anyone near and dear.

Grief is a process that knows no boundaries of time or place. It rears it’s head in unexpected moments and will not be ignored. And, that’s okay. We need to remember and we need to give ourselves time to walk through the grief. It wouldn’t come up if it wasn’t relevant.

I had a nice time in Tucson (the pic is a view from my hotel room), but I was happy to get home late Wednesday afternoon. It was funny because during one workshop a monsoon storm came through the area. People got up during the speaker’s presentation to watch it hail out!

Thankfully when I got home no trees had been ignited in or near my yard. The dogs didn’t miss me much because John and Sarah took such good care of them. The next morning, Cotton and Lucy, who had both been ignoring me since my return both acted thrilled to see John (Lucy even kissed his arm!).

Later today I’m going over to John and Sarah’s for a barbeque. Other than that, I’m hoping for a very quiet and restful weekend.

Since I wasn’t convinced this morning that I’d fully recovered from the flu, I pretty much puttered around the house. Most of it involved cleaning, which generally involves moving furniture in my mind. I just think it’s easier to really clean if the furniture is being repositioned as well. Lucy, as you can tell by the picture, puts up with it, but she really doesn’t like it. Luke and Cotton just hide when the vacuum comes out, although Cotton has gotten a bit braver about it all recently. They were interested when I was cleaning off the top of the refrigerator; however I’m sure it was because that’s also where I keep their dog treats. I’m glad that John and Sarah are coming home today from their vacation in Chicago. It will be nice to have them back. Lucy and I drove out earlier today to check on their house for the last time before they get back.

During dinner my colleague (and friend) got the hardest kind of call: his mother had collapsed.

While driving to the hosital she was being transported to (3 hours from where the conference is), he received news she had passed away.

She was 59 years old.

If you have a moment, please send some comforting thoughts his way.

I haven’t been sleeping well which has given me lots of time to think… 

I’ve made some wonderful friends online. Every day I’m thankful for them and the different ways they brighten my life, even though we haven’t met in person. Sometimes I find it hard to remember what I did with all my time before the Internet came along, perhaps because I’ve been blogging for the past nine years. I’m doubly blessed because I have some great friends offline as well.

Having said all that, there are times when I am frustrated, because actions really do speak louder than words. Right now my feelings are a bit raw by actions from people claiming to be such great friends full of love and all that. There actions do not send the same message, which leaves me confused and hurt. I think I’m at a point in my life where I believe I deserve to be treated better than that, and I also think I’m at a place where I need to wean out the people whose actions and words are rarely sending the same message. 

Life is too short and too precious to do otherwise.

So today’s my birthday. I went out to eat last night with my favorite people to McGrath’s Fish House, one of my favorite restaurants. For whatever reason, their web site is down. I had red snapper and it was delicious. After dinner we did a bit of shopping. It was a lovely evening and the perfect way to celebrate.

This morning I’ve been doing the usual Sunday stuff: laundry and cleaning. I’ve been invited to go out for a movie and lunch later this morning but haven’t decided yet if I’m going or not. Yesterday morning I had a biopsy and I’m still a bit sore from it. I wonder why it takes so long to get results back? Anyway, I won’t know until later in the week.

My beautiful new design is courtesy of the lovely and talented Joelle from Moxie Design Studio. I first “met” Joelle almost four years ago just around this time of year. I was crushed when my Mom died, and she showed such compassion and kindness to me in my raw grief that she will always have a special place in my heart. Her simple words of understanding and concern touched me and I’m grateful that she made time back then (and now) for someone like me.