ArizonaButterfly

Somehow hearing myself talked about (not nicely) in the next office is doing nothing to help things for me.

Work has been incredibly stressful and my fear now is that it has encroached upon my personal life.

You see, for some reason it’s become convenient for people to treat me disrespectfully and yet then blame me for things that I really have no control over. Because you see, ultimately I am responsible for what happens and when the main office is upset, it’s me that gets the nasty email or phone call. But for some reason, no one feels they have to listen or work as part of the team. It’s all about what they “will” or “will not” do. It’s all about “this better not happen this year” and “I’m not doing it because I’m mad at whoever.” No matter what I do these days, it’s not right. So basically, I get it from all sides.

Everyone seems to have forgotten that ultimately, it’s about the kids. And every single employee in the building, no matter what their job title, is responsible for helping to supervise them and is responsible to do everything in their power to create an environment that’s positive and safe for everyone in the community. Lots of people seem to have forgotten that includes people like me in their quest to make sure they “get their way.”

I’m tired of doing other people’s job.

I’m tired of trying to explain why people do things or better yet why they don’t.

I’m tired of being issued ultimatums.

I’m tired of being manipulated and used.

I’m tired of people starting conversations knowing that I’m going to disagree and/or be upset about it, and then refuse to talk because all of a sudden I’m upsetting them.

I’m tired of working 12-13 hours days because I’m so afraid of hurting people’s feelings that I’m afraid to ask them to do their job.

I’m tired of meetings that last longer than they should and then all the nonsense that ensues because it’s then a huge rush to try to get done the things that need to be done.

I’m sick of it all.

And the worst part? I have a feeling I won’t sleep at all tonight because of all of it. Because yes, it’s just that bad for me at the moment, not that it matters.

(and no, this is not about one person or one situation…it’s a culmination of things)

But the other thing to know is that I know life is too short for all this crap. The cardiologist reminded me of that when he called during yet another meeting this afternoon (and I got “the look” for stepping out to take the call).

I’m just not sure if it’s worth it anymore.

Besides, I’m quite sure most people would be very happy to see me replaced anyways.

Today would have been my parents 46th wedding anniversary.

I admired my mom more than I can possibly articulate. She was a resplendent woman, full of life and willing to take what were considered unconventional chances in the prime of her life. Sometimes I imagine how it must have been to travel halfway across the country alone to join the services as a woman in the 50’s. She traveled and experienced life with abandonment at a time when it wasn’t necessarily encouraged or approved of for women to do so. While I celebrate her and the integrity she displayed throughout her life, I cannot say I understand why she put up with the things she did after getting married. She used to say that she had made her bed and lie in it, perhaps a sign of the “way things were back then.” Family was important to my mom and she worked hard to hold us all together. I have a feeling she would be saddened by the fractures running throughout at this time.

I’m sure he isn’t remembering today because of the choices he’s made since her death. While I certainly have not right to pass judgement I am disappointed in the way my older brother has been treated since my mom passed away, and I’m sure she would be as well. Today, on their anniversary, he told me he was in essence making a decision based not on what he thinks is best, but based on the pressure he’s receiving. Not only is it infuriating, it’s yet another reminder of how much she’s missed.

Today is also the anniversary of one of my friend’s son’s death. Her grief is tangible and I ache for her. I cringed when someone told her she should be “over it” by now. Ignorance must be bliss and obviously the speaker has not lost anyone near and dear.

Grief is a process that knows no boundaries of time or place. It rears it’s head in unexpected moments and will not be ignored. And, that’s okay. We need to remember and we need to give ourselves time to walk through the grief. It wouldn’t come up if it wasn’t relevant.

During dinner my colleague (and friend) got the hardest kind of call: his mother had collapsed.

While driving to the hosital she was being transported to (3 hours from where the conference is), he received news she had passed away.

She was 59 years old.

If you have a moment, please send some comforting thoughts his way.

May 13, 1934-February 10, 2004
Today would have been my mom’s 74th birthday. It’s funny how much I still miss her and wish she were here. At the farmhouse she grew up in there were lilac bushes. Every spring she would talk about how the lilacs reminded her of spring. The smell of a lilac always reminds me of her. As her health deteriorated, however, even the smell of a lilac could not alleviate her struggle to breathe or do the simple tasks of life. As much as I miss her, I’m grateful she is not suffering anymore.

From When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom’d

In the dooryard fronting an old farm-house near the white-wash’d palings,
Stands the lilac-bush tall-growing with heart-shaped leaves of rich green,
With many a pointed blossom rising delicate, with the perfume strong I love,
With every leaf a miracle—and from this bush in the dooryard,
With delicate-color’d blossoms and heart-shaped leaves of rich green,
A sprig with its flower I break.
~Walt Whitman

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you.

Mother’s Day is bittersweet without my Mom. I think of her everyday and wish she were here, but days like today are just a little tougher and a little sadder.

Memory of You

Early one morning, I looked toward the blue
And saw the most beautiful memory of you
The vision was one that was perfect and clear
In proving your spirit shall always be near
The sight, filled with wonder, stretched across the sky
Its presence eased the ache found in our goodbye
For, suddenly, I knew we would meet once more
As angels, united, inside Heaven’s door.

I stood in amazement, gazing near the sun
And realized your struggles, here on earth, were done
After many battles, your burdens had ceased
Your hardships had ended; your soul was at peace
Throughout many hours, I sat and I grieved
But in that reminder, my heart felt relieved
The sight which had formed, right before my eyes
Brought my heart much comfort in the midst of sighs.

Early one morning, I looked ‘cross the blue
And saw the most beautiful memory of you
The vision was one that had prompted a tear
Yet, proved to my heart you will always be near
A rainbow had formed from the sky to the sea
A testament of the joy you brought to me
Serving as a promise we will meet again
In the walls of Heaven, far from grief and pain.
~Jill Eisnaugle

I haven’t been sleeping well which has given me lots of time to think… 

I’ve made some wonderful friends online. Every day I’m thankful for them and the different ways they brighten my life, even though we haven’t met in person. Sometimes I find it hard to remember what I did with all my time before the Internet came along, perhaps because I’ve been blogging for the past nine years. I’m doubly blessed because I have some great friends offline as well.

Having said all that, there are times when I am frustrated, because actions really do speak louder than words. Right now my feelings are a bit raw by actions from people claiming to be such great friends full of love and all that. There actions do not send the same message, which leaves me confused and hurt. I think I’m at a point in my life where I believe I deserve to be treated better than that, and I also think I’m at a place where I need to wean out the people whose actions and words are rarely sending the same message. 

Life is too short and too precious to do otherwise.

One of my colleagues was diagnosed with leukemia a year and a half ago, and fought valiantly through chemo and radiation. Through all of that, she maintained a positive and kind disposition, still always more concerned about the people around her. She truly had a sweet and gentle spirit. I never heard her say one negative or unkind word to anyone. She had a too-short time in remission. When she learned she was out of remission, things still looked hopeful…more chemo but hope.

Last week she came down with a secondary infection…pneumonia. As she lay in the hospital with a high tem fighting it, they discovered a spot on her lung. When they attempted to biopsy it they were unable to and ended up putting her on a respirator in hopes of giving her body a chance to gain strength to fight.

She lost her battle early this morning. My heart goes out to her family…she truly was their rock. My heart also goes out to my district as we grieve yet again a life too short lost to a horrid disease.

With folded wings and down-turned heads
The angels stopped to pray
For those of us on earth instead
Of with you every day
Although the minutes pass like hours
And hours pass like years
We find ourselves less than empowered
Now that you are not here.

Although we see you in a place
Of the greatest appeal
We find the void is not replaced
By what our dreams reveal
Each cloud may be in silver trimmed
Beside a shining sea
But, without you, the light is dimmed
And it will ever be.

Each angel viewed the sense of loss
We felt within our hearts
And stretched a sunbeam, miles across
The distance we’re apart
To show us that we will one day
Be, yet again, as one
Far from the saddened skies of gray
That came to block the sun.

Upon that beam, we saw the light
As it stretched ‘cross the sky
And knew that we would be alright
In the wake of goodbye
Thanks to the angels’ folded wings
And softly down-turned heads
We eyed what the future would bring
Where sorrow once had fed.
~Jill Eisnaugle

My Mom died four years ago today. She loved to cross stitch, knit, crochet and read. I was always amazed at how many projects and books she could have going at one time. I feel very fortunate to have so many of her cross stitch projects..you can tell a lot about a person by what type of project they choose. I also have her prayer journals. While they might not seem like much to most, they are priceless to me. The barrette in the picture is from when she was a child, engraved with her name. Her nurse’s ring represents her committment to caring for others. She loved charm bracelets, the one in picture is just one she had.

They say time heals all wounds, and perhaps that’s true. While I still miss her every day, the sharpness has faded as I’ve come to realize that she is no longer struggling to breathe or walk anymore…that she truly is at rest.

Memory of You
Early one morning, I looked toward the blue
And saw the most beautiful memory of you
The vision was one that was perfect and clear
In proving your spirit shall always be near
The sight, filled with wonder, stretched across the sky
Its presence eased the ache found in our goodbye
For, suddenly, I knew we would meet once more
As angels, united, inside Heaven’s door.

I stood in amazement, gazing near the sun
And realized your struggles, here on earth, were done
After many battles, your burdens had ceased
Your hardships had ended; your soul was at peace
Throughout many hours, I sat and I grieved
But in that reminder, my heart felt relieved
The sight which had formed, right before my eyes
Brought my heart much comfort in the midst of sighs.

Early one morning, I looked ‘cross the blue
And saw the most beautiful memory of you
The vision was one that had prompted a tear
Yet, proved to my heart you will always be near
A rainbow had formed from the sky to the sea
A testament of the joy you brought to me
Serving as a promise we will meet again
In the walls of Heaven, far from grief and pain.
~Jill Eisnaugle

It was an unpleasant end to a rather unpleasant week at work today. Sometimes I wonder about my career and life choices, especially on days like today where I feel unduly dumped on and blamed for decisions and actions beyond my control. It’s moments like that that I have to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and if people are disappointed in that, then there’s not too much I can do about that either.

There are changes coming, and I suspect that is why things are unsettled. One of the front office staff is leaving soon, and has quit pretending she has any type of professional ethics. Her actions, of course, have a direct impact on the rest of the office. Even though there’s nothing that any of us can do about the situation at the moment, it becomes tedious and frustrating.

Being at work very late two days in a row made today especially tiring for me, and while only the administrators stayed late in the office, everyone else seemed tired as well. My first instinct this morning was to take the day off and just go to my lunch meeting, but instead I went in to work. By mid-day I wished I hadn’t. Between people dumping on me (because I apparently am an easy target) and dealing with the various issues that came up, I left work feeling rather deflated and upset.

In the back of my mind through all of this is the reminder of what time of year this is, and as always, I feel a sense of profound loss as I remember my Mom. Not a day goes by that I do not miss her, but that sense of missing her is heightened these days. She was a remarkable and resplendent woman. She showed great courage, compassion, and love in her words and her actions throughout her life. She lost much as a young child when her mother died when she was four. My grandfather, who died 16 years ago this past February 1, gave her a sense of self-confidence and adventure that she was able to move half-way across the country to join the Navy as a young woman. She graduated from college at a time when it was not all that common for women to do so. She dedicated her life to serving and helping others as a registered nurse. I wish I could recall how many babies she helped deliver during her 40 year career. Asbestos exposure during her naval career ruined her lungs, and greatly diminished her quality of life, but she never gave up hope, and she never quit caring for the people around her.

As grateful as I am for the time I had with her, even though I will always feel it was too short, the world is a less beautiful place without her in it.